


Bury Me In Black

by undertheporktree



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Death, Fluff, Kinda, M/M, Short Chapters, World War III, basically some violence, not Dan or Phil don't worry, ok this is my first fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-03-17 19:46:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3541718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undertheporktree/pseuds/undertheporktree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the year 2021.<br/>Phil lives alone in a small house, world war 3 has been going on for a few years. Someone knocks on his door, but who?<br/>Be prepared for shit grammar and typos.<br/>Phil's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

It’s the year 2021

The war has been going on for over 3 years now.

I don’t think that any human being will survive this war. I’ve been lonely lately, all my friends have gone to war, leaving me behind near London. All the streets are empty, children are walking around on gangs, either to attack and rob people or to protect themselves. I tend to not leave the house.

Pj was hired a long time ago by the government to make new brainwashing commercials to make people feel like their lives are good. I know he despises the job, but he despises war more, which is where he would be if it weren’t for his job. I haven’t spoken to Chris in a few years actually, he was put in a hospital for severe depression. They say that they try to be civil and that 1st world countries are where people are safe, that’s a lie. Chris called our house once, he whispered something about the sea and France but he was cut off before i could understand what he was saying.

You see, this world war is by far the ugliest war that has ever been. Usually a lot of things develop during war. This war has made everything go back in time. Over a billion people have died but i see the wounded who come back from combat… Their eyes look empty, their mouths and bodies don’t move at all. Something is going on in this war, something horrifying. I know that they would rather be dead than still alive.

I haven’t been called to war yet. They’re leaving the weakest behind, i guess. Dan had to go to war. We haven’t been friends since 2018 actually. When the war came we obviously had different opinions on it and we stopped talking. Dan thought that this war could make the world a better place. He was wrong.Every world war has had almost the same start. Germany basically started it with bombing Russia. Russia launched a nuclear bomb on Berlin. Millions died. Many of the factories were destroyed everywhere including bomb ones. Electricity is something we might have one day and then not. Now that all of the factories have been destroyed, weapons cant be produced and the war is basically warrior on warrior. That’s better than bombing people i guess.16 year old’s have also gone to war. Women, men, kids.. everyone. And i haven’t. I’m happy i haven’t but something seems off.

***

There was a light knock on my door. I live in a small house a few miles from London. Its quite safe here. The gangs walk around the streets here too but they never do anything. I guessed he knock was the Army wanting me to go to war.I opened the door and i couldn’t believe my eyes, there stood a skinny tall boy with a bald head and combat boots. I guessed that it was an army recruiter, i wasn’t waiting for Dan.

Dan looks at me and i suddenly feel self-conscious. I haven’t eaten anything nice for months, i can only wash myself in the lake at night and my teeth must be yellow.We stand there in silence staring at each other for a few minutes. Dan opens his mouth and I’m waiting for an insult. He starts crying instead.

"You look so weak, I’m so sorry this is horrible…

"I cut him off by hugging him. He sniffs into my shirt.

“Im sorry,” he apologizes

“Don’t be, egghead”

“Shut up, King-Kong”

Its true, i haven’t cut my hair in several months, i haven’t grown a beard, but shaving twice a month leaves stubble.

I invite him in.

“Nice place,”he says casually.

This feels weird, i haven’t spoken to him in a long time, we had a horrible fight, but at the same time I have missed him,

“Yeah, no clean water-or any water as a matter of fact, also so boring.”

“You live alone?” He asks, knowing the obvious answer.

“Yeah…” i answer with a sad smirk.

He makes his way to the table. I can see a little bit of his hair or should i say stubble. He actually looks good and i grit my teeth, of course he looks good, whatever he does he’s amazing.

“Anyways, why are you here and how’d you find me?” I ask curiously.

“Yeah, got sent back “home” because the war is literally over or just like the cold war with no-one fighting at the moment. I actually was a chef in the army, can you believe that? I refused to shoot a gun but they still needed help, since their cook had left abruptly. Since my small apartment in London is taken over by hooligans, I immediately thought of you. I really am sorry, you know? War is gross and horrible and I beat myself up every day that I gave someone so close to me up, like you, just because I was stubborn.”

“I missed you too,” is all i say and all I know I needed to say, because the tall boy is hugging me like there is no tomorrow. But then it hits me. There might not be a tomorrow.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is overly dramatic and Phil swears.

I set up a bed for him and we both fall asleep immediately. I wake up to Dan cooking something. I shuffle out of bed and into the kitchen.“Wow, this is just like…”

“Old times, yeah,” he finishes my sentence and we both stare at the ground.

“How long were you in the service for?”

“Ah, not for long, I went and tried out in 2018, when the war started, but I left, because I understood you were right. Two years later i wake up, the military on my door and I don’t even have time to put a shirt on before they drag me to the nearest safe-zone. That was about seven or eight months ago.”

“Wow, they didn’t even call me to the tryouts so they have no Idea where I live and couldn’t drag me to war.”

“Yeah, I figured, they were looking for young boys, not 30 year old dudes,” Dan laughs his signature laugh and he seems surprised, like he hasn’t laughed in the past three years.He flips whatever is on the pan and i smell pancakes.

“Delia Smith,” i whisper and Dan smirks.

When the cakes are ready we sit behind the table and start eating. Nothing is awkward and I’m happy we could just pick up where we left off.

“I was afraid you had died for a while,” i say after a long, but comfortable silence.

“Same here, I felt like It was my fault the war even started.”

“Well, I’m so happy you’re alive,” I blurt out.

We both smile.I tell Dan that I wash myself in the lake at night. He laughs genuinely.  
—-

We have seen each other naked so many times we don’t care about our nudity. The lake is only about ten meters from my back door so we leave our clothes inside and run to the lake. It’s a warm summer night, so the water is warm and feels nice. I brought soap so we could wash ourselves.

“Dan, could you please put soap in my hair it’s difficult to do on my own and since you’re here…”

Dan nods and takes the soap. He swims close to me and I can see his eyes shimmering in the moonlight. He swims around me until he’s behind me and begins rubbing soap all over my head. It feels nice. When he’s done in the back he tilts my head into the water slowly. I get some water in my mouth and start coughing, he lets me go and I sink under water. When I rise again Dan is giggling uncontrollably, his whole body glittering in the water. I spit water at him and he swims closer to spit water at me. When he is close to my face he spits the water out slowly in front of him and kisses my lips so strong, i forget to breathe.

We stay afloat, kissing for a while. Dan pulls me towards the land while we’re still kissing. When we make it to land, he realizes, that he lost the soap. I giggle and start guiding him inside. We flop on the nearest bed, which is his and he pushes me down on it. He climbs next to me and kisses me once more but then we both fall asleep, faces nuzzled together.

\---

I wake up happy and well-rested. I remember last night and I giggle because if we had still been youtubers, shit would have exploded. Yeah, we had kissed before, we had even realized we were soul-mates, before we fell out. This felt different, his actions last night had real passion and desire. The desperation in his breaths, the hard kisses.

I turn to where he was sleeping, but he isn’t there. I immediately realize something has to be wrong. I get up and put my clothes on. I shuffle to the kitchen and Dan is sitting there, his eyes empty.

"That can never happen again, do you understand me?"

I swallow the pain, nodding.

“I understand.”

He turns around and stands up.

"So, how has it been for the last few years, how did you even end up living here? I never answered your question, I found you through Peej. Nice dude."

I wince at the fact Dan can just change the conversation so quickly, it’s like I don’t even matter. I hope he sees the horrible pain he’s causing me.

“Yeah, ‘twas my parents summer house, before… yeah.”

“Oh… How is Chris by the way?”

“He’s still in that mental hospital. He hasn’t called since that night.”

“The night he blabbered about the french and the sea?”

I nod. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.

“Fuck, is it the army?” Dan asks with concern

“Yeah, i guess, what’s the matter?”

“Well… i might have actually ran away and hid here.’’

‘‘You what, what the fuck, dude?’‘

‘‘You never swore before.’‘

‘‘Yeah that was before you fucking hid yourself in my house, making me vulnerable. I don’t want to go to war, alright? I’m not fit for it, not made for it, why did you come here, Dan? Why?’‘

‘‘I missed you, ok? I was afraid you were dead I’m so sorry I don’t know how they found us,’‘ Dan’s eyes are full of fear.

I walk up to the door.

‘‘Hide,’‘ I say firmly.

‘‘But, Phil,’‘ Dan whispers.

‘‘Go.’‘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter was going to have a long make out scene but i realized they were naked and that would be awkward idk)  
> Also these chapters are gonna be really short because I'm a really slow writer and I like to keep things short, also I don't know how to write like 50% of the words I use so googling words takes up most of my time. I'm probably going to be really inconsistent with updating this because I suck.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is annoying once again. Phil laughs at stuff even If it's not funny.

I open the door. A stunning woman is standing in front of me.

‘‘Hello, is this the residency of Phil Lester?’‘

‘‘Uh yes it is, what can I help you with?’’

‘‘We have information Dan Howell has been here, is this correct?’‘

‘‘No that is not, ma’am, I’ve been home all day and he hasn’t been here.’‘

‘’Can I look inside, just safety measures?’‘

I shiver:’‘Yes, that is ok, come in.’‘

The lady is wearing red lipstick, nice heels, and her hair looks washed and well-kept. I think she’s an important woman, why is she, of all people and slaves the UK has here. I can’t shake the feeling Dan did something bad. Running away isn’t that serious of an offense, but what do I know.

The woman is walking around the house, touching things casually. I suddenly realize that Dan’s bed is still made up and i curse silently.

The woman looks at me and speaks: ‘’Mister Lester, if you don’t tell us where mister Howell is, we will send you to the army. Is that what you want?’’

I flinch at the thought of going to war, but I also observe her use of the word us, when she indeed is alone with me in my house. But are we actually alone?

—-

The woman shoves me into a wall with such force I refuse to believe she isn’t the Terminator.

‘’Listen here, you little shit,’’ she whispers in my ear,’’ I know he’s hiding here, WE know. Do you even know what he did? You don’t do you. Pathetic.’’

I gulp and I feel her mouth moving again.

’’Oh, your sweet little Danny boy, not a care in the world, love and butterflies. He’s not what you think he is, sweet little flower child. I’ll be back I promise.’’

I am afraid for my life, but I still giggle in my thoughts over the Terminator reference she made. The lady shuts the door with a strong bang. I don’t know why she didn’t search the whole house, but she seemed to already know Dan was here.

I call out for Dan, but there’s no answer.  
‘‘Dan, she’s fucking gone come out.’’

 

‘’Well, you see… I would, but I’m kind of stuck here,’‘ I hear his grumbling.

 

‘‘Where are you, you ignorant fool?’‘ 

‘‘Stop being so posh and help me out of this closet.’‘

I walk over to the dark wardrobe to help the boy out. But instantly get an amazing idea.  
‘‘Dan, I’m not helping you out until you tell me what this was all about.’‘

‘‘What?’‘

‘‘The woman, I know you heard, she said some things about you, Dan. She seemed to know you were here. What did you do, Dan? Why did you actually come here, to be safe? Do you even care about me or am I some sort of safe plan? Is that why you kissed me?’‘ I begin yelling,’‘AM I JUST SOME SORT OF COVER SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST TOSS AWAY, LIKE YOU DID A FEW YEARS AGO?’‘

‘‘Phil, It’s not like that…’‘

‘‘Then how is it. How do you always end up hurting me.’‘

‘‘Phil, you don’t understand, i..’‘

‘‘YES, I obviously do understand, why would anyone actually care about me. I’m not even good enough to fight in the war.’‘

‘‘Oh shut up, Philip,’‘ Dan whispers with anger, ‘‘ The only reason you haven’t gone to war, is because I’m important, I’m a general. I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d hate me forever, I’ve killed people, Phil, I’ve fucking taken lives. I’ve made families sad, and I’m so selfish I wanted you to stay safe. This war is not what you think it is, Phil. I found out, that they use people in experiments. That’s why I left. I ran away. I never wanted you to get hurt, I knew they would come and get me, so I thought I’d make it easy and say that you never mattered.’‘

We are silent for a while. I need some air and run out of the house to the lake. 

 

Is that what happened to my parents? Were they used as test subjects. I understand what Dan did, but I feel disgusted, Dan has probably killed our subscribers, someones child. And I have been sitting here, safe, doing nothing, knowing nothing. Seeing the broken people return from war. I’m weak and pathetic.

I remember our last fight before he left.

‘’Phil, you don’t get it, do you? This is all going really well. All we need is a small war, I mean, this can’t last forever. We’re too civil for another world war 2 or Hitler.’‘

‘‘Are you sure, It’s still killing people. This won’t make the world a better place. I literally do not get where you’re going with this.’‘

‘‘Ok so here’s my plan. We go to war. The larger countries are destroyed, we come out stronger and wealthier than ever.’‘

‘‘That’s not how it works. How can you even think like that. What’s gotten into you? Why are you like this? Why are we like this?’‘

‘‘I think it’s better we take a brake from this *living together for almost ten years and basically being a married couple* thing. It’s not working that well, now that youtube doesn’t exist anymore.’‘

‘‘Fine.’‘

How did this all go to shit. There is a loud bang in the house and I jump up. shitshitshit, what has Dan done now. This is not good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My german teacher is literally the devil and I'm sorry for not updating (also this website was down for a bit wth).  
> I hope you're having a wonderful week, If you're not, don't feel bad, I'm not having the best one either.   
> Will Dan ever come out of the closet?


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER HAS MANY TRIGGERING THINGS- mainly violence/blood (also this takes place in a hospital)

I wake up in a hospital, my hair has been shaved off and I’m in a weird white hospital gown. Doctors are rustling around me, some writing stuff on papers, some searching for medical equipment. I try to move, but my legs and hands are tied to the bed. I feel like it’s best if I don’t move, so I can eavesdrop on what the nurses are saying. 

‘‘That man has been out for quite some time now, should we try to wake him so that he can tell us what he knows about the project?’‘

Wait… What project. Am I being held captive somewhere? All I remember is being knocked out, and then everything is blank. I wonder if Dan is still in that closet he was hiding in. I guess he’s not, but he deserves to stay locked in there forever. I am extremely angry at him, but at the same time I understand that he is not the bad guy here.

‘‘You know doc wants to have a word with him, maybe he can even see our special little guest to get him to talk,’‘ another nurse answers.

This is definitely not good.

I can hear the nurses walk over to my bed. Their shoes squeak on the floor, which makes their approach feel like I’m watching a movie and their slippers squeaking is the music before a jump scare. One of the nurses holds my wrist.  
‘’What a pale gentleman, wonder where he went wrong to end up here. If he weren’t a criminal I’d honestly ask him out on a date. I guess all of the boys here are good-looking, you know, because of their situation,’‘ the first nurse sighs.

What situation? What the hell is going on here?

‘‘Well, we gotta wake him up now, thank god the damage the troops did wasn’t that bad. Have you seen the guest, he’s all blue and purple, they won’t even let anyone, not even the doctor in there to help him.’‘

Before I can even contemplate over what the nurses meant with guest, something is being pumped into my body. I feel every inch of my body, It feels like I’m burning, like someone has set me aflame. I try to gasp for air, waving my hands next to  my body, attempting to get hold of something. It feels like I’m drowning in lava, my lungs burning, my eyes refusing to stay shut, but at the same time I can’t scream, I can’t do anything.I’m still strapped to the bed. 

The feeling goes away as quickly as it came on. Tears are streaming down my face. One of the nurses squints her face and remarks: ‘‘This one is dramatic.’‘

—  
The nurses rip the chains off of me, but I still can’t move my limbs, or any part of my body. The tubes going into my body are removed making me groan in pain. They get a wheelchair, gently placing me in it. Everything feels very light, my chest feels like a feather. The nurses push me down the hallway to an office. The door is big and red, covered in leather. It seems soundproof.  
All of my pain and lightness goes away when they push me into the office, presumably the boss’ office. The pain is replaced by pure horror. Dan is hanging from the ceiling, his arms are tied above his head, holding him in the air. All of his limbs are pale and bloody. I see bruises and cuts and I have never been more afraid in my whole life. 

‘‘Dan..Dan..D..a..n,’‘ i whisper, my voice breaking.  
Tears falling from my eyes make  everything blurry and more painful. Everything is making me dizzy.

‘‘I told you loverboy would cry. You owe me twenty,’‘ one of the nurses says in a snarky voice, breaking the silence between my silent sobs.  
‘‘Could you not, Martha, let’s deal with this after he has calmed down, this is horrible, I really want to leave. Imagine your best friend hurt, hanging and you can’t do anything.’‘

I hear footsteps in the corridor and someone steps into the office. Their shoes are squeaky, but also click with every step. I close my eyes hoping this is all a dream, just a bad dream. The squeaking stops, but now all I hear is Dan's blood dripping down, hitting the floor. Everything seems to loud, the dripping sounds like bombs falling down, destroying everything I care for.

I open my eyes and I'm pushed closer to a hardwood desk. Dan is still up above us. The nurses leave the room, closing the door silently. Someone coughs in the office.

''So...'' a voice breaks the silence. It's a deep man's voice and It makes me sick.  
''Are you going to look at me, Phil?''

I don't answer

''Look, if you're not going to work with me here, I'm going to have to shake your friend up a little bit,'' the man says.

I look up and he smiles. He's obviously the boss. His eyes are dark brown, hair receding a little bit, although he looks like he's in his 40s. His lips are thin and chapped, cheeks full, fuller than cheeks I've seen in the last few years at least, looks like he's been fed well. He's wearing long pants, but one leg has been rolled up slightly, making me wonder whether he has a prosthesis, or one of his legs is just shorter than the other. Everything about him seems evil.

''Alright... Now,'' he pulls something out of a drawer, ''we are going to have so much fun!'' He shows me a small stick, covered with rubber. It looks like something a policeman would have.

''Why.. Were you.. Sheltering... A prisoner.. In your house?'' the boss takes short breaks in talking to swing the stick around in his hands.

''What do you mean?'' I answer 

''Oh you know what I mean, kid''

''No, I really fucking don't,'' I start getting angry.

''Well... If you refuse to give me answers, I told you what would happen,'' he steps closer to Dan.

''Stop!'' I scream. ''Yes he was with me, but I don't know what he did. He just said he had been dismissed, since the war is basically over.''

The boss laughs.

''That's literally what happened, listen to me,'' I continue desperately.

''Alright... But I'm going to tell you what loverboy here did and why you're also in serious shit.''

Why is he calling Dan loverboy. Why is everyone calling him that.

''Alright,'' I reply hesitantly.

''Fine. This all starts when your Dan here decided on his own that the war should end, because his darling Phil was going to be called to war. So he cut all the electricity and networking stuff, basically hacked everything and fucked this country over, big time. Of course then he ran away to your soft arms.''

I'm obviously confused, but by this point, I'm very confused, why is he so passive aggressive. He's using words to make it seem like Dan and I are lovers, but we obviously aren't. If they were watching us they probably saw the make out stuff... shit. Did Dan really do all of that for me?

''And what do you want from me?'' I try to act neutral.

''That's something I can't tell you, Dan has to tell you that,'' he smiles.

This is all so frustrating, because no-one is actually telling me anything and I want to get Dan down but at the same time I'm angry at him, but I still care about him.  
''Let Dan down, please, now that you have nothing to actually tell me or ask me,'' I beg.

''Oh no, we're just getting started,'' the boss smirks.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> I wrote this while sitting on my windowsill looking at my neighbor. I feel like undercover Taylor Swift. I'm sorry if this chapter was really unpleasant or something, I'm sorry I swear so much. Also the D&P book holy cow. Hope you have an amazing day, night, week, year, life, afterlife, whatever. Bye!


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violence and stuff

Sorry break mid story, but here is where I describe actual violence, sorry about that (also kinda homophobic stuff like slurs)

 

The man pushes my wheelchair against a wall and ties my hands to the arm rests. He duct tapes my whole body to the wall, so I can't move anything. Breathing becomes difficult and I try to scream, which makes the boss angry. He rips a piece of cloth from my gown and stuffs it in my mouth, then duct tapes my lips together. The cloth tastes like the dentists.  
''Watch,'' he says and hits Dan on the back. Dan groans silently and I'm happy he's out of it. Blood drips down Dan's ripped gown. I try closing my eyes, but they won't close, every sense is getting stronger. The boss snickers and whispers: ''Still won't say anything, gayboy?''

What does he mean, I don't understand.

''Oi, look at me, little shit. Tell me, are you two in a relationship? Huh?''

Oh so that's what this is all about.

''No we're just friends, please just let us go,'' I beg

''Well, we've been watching you, and that one night at the lake begs to differ.''

''That was a mistake, it was nothing, please, we're nothing, not an item, we're just friends.''

The man walks around me, then cups my face with his huge, bloody hands.

''You're telling the truth, boy? But if you don't like Dan, do you still have a thing for guys?''

This is very uncomfortable, is he asking me whether I'm gay? 

''I don't understand...''

''I'm asking you if you like boys, kiddo.''

''What does that have to do with anything?''

''If you're not going to answer me, you know what's gonna happen.''

He takes his hand off my face and steps closer to Dan.

''Yes, oh god, yes, I fancy guys, let him go,''I whisper in agony.

''That was all you had to say, you can both go.''

He walks back to his desk and puts the stick away, then he steps closer to me, removes the tape and cloth and pats me on the head. 

''That was all, you can forget this even happened,'' he says. Like I'm ever going to forget this.

I can't believe this all was over so soon. All he wanted to know was wheter I wasn't straight and that's unbelievably weird. Can I go home now, will this all end?  
The nurses step in again, wheeling me out. They also help Dan down and put him in a wheelchair. We're both pushed to a room that has high ceilings, two beds and a soft heavy door. It looks like something out of the mental hospitals in movies. I guess going home is out of the question. I'm too exhausted to even think about what just happened. I'm confused and scared and all I want is to see if Dan is ok, I want to see if he's alive and can speak. But he's not moving.

As the nurses are fussing around me, the only thing I can think about is happiness. What makes me happy. I couldn't answer that question if someone asked. What used to make me happy were youtube videos and filming them with Dan. I guess I could say that happiness is what makes me happy, but what actually triggers joy in me, I don't know. 

I look over to Dan who's being placed in the hospital bed. They put the iv in his arm and I flinch. I have never liked needles. They take off his gown and replace it with a new, clean and pleasant one. My eyes are so red and painful from crying, I can't tell if he's ok. I'm actually quite afraid, because I have been taking this all so well. I haven't freaked out or anything and I haven't really felt anything either.

As I'm sitting in my wheelchair, it all seems so clear. I remember I am probably full of drugs that the nurses pumped in me beforehand. I can see Dan, who looks really messed up, but I couldn't care less. He is obviously also full of drugs, or under anasthetics, because he hasn't moved this whole time. I guess they didn't actually want to make Dan suffer or give him any horrible injuries. I wonder why. I'm frightened by my sudden coldness.

The nurses help me into my bed and I fall asleep immediately.

***  
I feel something pulling me towards the end. Like i'm in the tunnel and being pushed into the light. But I'm not ready yet. I start screaming, but they won't let me go. Lights are blinking and my eyes hurt. I am unable to open them. I can finally grab something and pull myself back. But then I'm in a field with deer and moose jumping around me, stomping on beautiful flowers and making everything ugly and muddy. I try scaring them off, but they keep destroying everything. I see someone far away, moving closer and closer. It's Dan in a white long robe, his skin pale and beautiful, his eyes dark and mysterious, making my heart jump like they did when I first looked into them. His hair is his old fringe and he's wearing a flower crown. I think he's an angel, sent to help me. I try shouting his name, but he doesn't respond. He's a few steps away from me when he suddenly falls down, arrow coming out of his back, blood flowing everywhere. I can't move, I can't breathe, all I can do is scream on top of my lungs. 

I wake up screaming Dan's name, almost falling out of my bed. That is the worst nightmare I've had in a few months. I used to have this horrible nightmare about wolves chasing me and the land cracking so eventually I fell into a deep ravine. There was that and other dreams, but the worst ones were the ones where Dan died in war. Someone showed up on my door, telling me that Dan had died and when I woke up I couldn't tell whether it was true or not so I had lived these past few years in horrible misery, living between missing Dan and thinking he was dead.

No one responds to my screaming, but when I look at Dan's bed, I can see his eyes flashing back at me. The light coming from the small window in the door hits his face, making him squint. Thank god, he's fine. My heart fills with such joy, I can feel butterflies and all of my worries go away. 

''I'm sorry, Phil,'' Dan wheezes.

''I should be the one apologizing,'' I whisper. ''How are you feeling, does anything hurt?''

''Yeah, actually, what happened? Why are we here?''

''I think you should know why we're here,'' I reply bitterly.

''What do you mean by that?''

''You know what I mean, don't lie to me anymore.''

''They told you, didn't they. I'm sorry, I just care about you, ok?''

''I care about you too,'' I answer smiling sadly.

''Come here?'' Dan invites me hesitantly.

I push myself up slowly and sneak to his bed on my tiptoes. He makes room for me so I can just slip under the duvet.

''Is this nice?'' I ask snuggled up to his side, head under his chin.

''This is very nice.'' Dan answers.

We fall asleep, and I feel at peace for once since 2018. His quiet breathing makes everything feel like nothing is wrong and I forget all of the questions spinning in my head for the night. This feels safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry I've been gone for over two weeks school has sucked everything out of me. I'm sorry if the next chapter comes out in may or even june I'm just so fucking tired. Good luck with your exams if you have any I hope you make yourself proud.


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be longer than usual and Damn my german teacher got sick (how sad) so I have had time to write so you're getting this chapter now, not in June.  
> Dan and Phil do stuff and there are some bad jokes.

I wake up and Dan isn't here, I'm not even surprised. It's so horrifying how I've gotten used to bad things happening and I'm not even fazed by violence. I look at the white ceiling and dream that I'm sitting by a nice pool, rocking in a hammock and the sun is so bright it looks like a white ceiling. Daydreaming makes me feel pathetic.

Dan's wheelchair isn't in the room either, which isn't surprising. I can't tell whether the place where he slept is warm or if it's just my warmth. This all seems so surreal, like I'm not even here, time passes by but I don't know how fast, because there aren't any clocks on the walls. I can see nurses outside our door. Is it still our door, or is it mine? Where the fuck is Dan. Fuck I shouldn't swear. Fuck.

I feel something poking me from under the bed. What the... I peek under the bed and there's Dan, like it's totally normal to climb under beds and just poke me.

''Psst, stay quiet. We're going to get out of here, don't worry, Don't look under here and keep calm, they're watching.'' he whispers.

''Are we like... ESCAPING? What the fudge.''

''Shhhh, keep it quiet, jesus, yeah, we're getting out of here, alright. Just stay in this bed and pretend you're sleeping. They'll come soon to get you. Don't say anything about me, don't even think about me, everything will be ok. Wait for my signal.''

I push myself back on the bed. I try to play my movements and talking off as sleeptalking What does he mean by signal. I'm so very confused, but then again everything is confusing and my whole body still hurts, so I'd rather sleep it off, but I'm too anxious to do that now. 

As I close my eyes, nurses come in like clockwork. Shizzle, they're really watching us.

''One of the boys must've already been taken to the lab. I'll go check after we take this one there. Have you given him the meds?'' one of the nurses pries.

''You've only worked here for two weeks, Jessica, you don't need to do anything, leave me to it- you clean the ward.''

The other nurse picks up a needle to inject me with something. Not this again, goddamn.

Jessica walks to the door to get cleaning supplies, i suppose, but stops: ''Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but why is one of the beds empty?''

Dan pushes himself out from under the bed and I guess this is the sign. I jump up and grab the needle from the nurses hand. Before I can think I push it into his neck and he falls down immediately. Adrenaline is pumping through me I realize I have pulled out my IV by leaping out of bed. Dan has knocked Jessica out and he's fidgeting with the plant near the wall.

''Now put the nurses into our beds, that'll buy us some time,'' he commands.

I try to put them is our beds as quickly as possible, but Dan grabs my hand while I'm tucking in Jessica.  
''We have to run, like now.''  
***  
Dan uses the keys he snatched from Jessicas waist and opens the door. We slide out and I feel like a chameleon, blending in. We just decide to run for it. Dan seems to know the place pretty well, it seems like he knows where some of the cameras are. After running for a while we turn into a corner and jump through a dark door. This has all been so smooth I can't believe we're still alive. We can hear nurses running outside of the door. 

''They're looking for us,'' Dan whispers, squeezing my fragile hand. I stare into his eyes, but someone comes in through the door. 

Dan pulls me again, and me push the person over, stomping over him as we make our escape. Dan seems to have lost his mind, his hands are trembling and I stop him. I push him behind a cabinet in the hallway. All I can think of is kissing him and I push my lips against his so hard my teeth hurt. This seems to clear his mind and he pushes me off.

''Fuck, Phil, you can't just do that. We're in big trouble.''

We hear footsteps and I open the cabinet door. We climb in just in time. There isn't a lot of room, but it's enough for us right now.

''Do you want to tell me what's going on, Dan?''

''Ok, I'll tell you, but don't freak out. I'll tell you and then we run again.''

''Yes, sir.''

''So the story kinda goes like this. They're experimenting on gay people, because 'something great must be in our genes', and it's fucked up I know. This is some Mengele bullshit.''

I look him in the eyes, and open my mouth to ask him whether or not he's joking, but we jump out of the closet just as he told me we would. We make a brief sprint to another door and slip in.

 

I finally have a chance to look around me. There are shelves aligning the white broken walls. Everything in here screams !leave!, but we don’t have any other options. The floor is grey and covered with blood spatter, which I can’t tell If it’s our blood or not. I shake the feeling of disgust and look up. The ceiling doesn’t have any lights, the only light source in this small closet is the tiny window. Maybe we could squeeze through it but I’m not going to risk it.

I realize that we literally have no plan. Every plan is basically a suicide mission, we don’t know how many guards there are going to be waiting for one of us to pop our head out the window. As far as we know they might already know where we are and this is another sick cat-mouse game.  
Dan sniffs the air quietly, rubbing his patched up hands together and blowing on them. His eyes are closed and he looks peaceful. I can’t help but to think what if we had stayed together during the start of the war. Maybe we would be happier. Dan stamps from one foot to the other. His legs are shaking so he finds a place to sit and let his long lanky legs rest.

Dan just sits there, brushing his the little hair he has with his hands. His lack of hair hasn’t made him stop the old annoying hair touching habits. For a second I forget why I’m even mad at him but then it all comes back like a huge blue tidal wave, crushing me in it’s way. I am fueled with rage bubbling inside me. How could he have lied to me again? I thought he cared about me, but obviously not enough to tell me the freaking truth.

“They’re experimenting on people… who are not straight?” 

He stands up trying to approach me to calm me down.

I look him straight in the eye, the only straight thing i have done today and slap him. I hit him so hard his jaw drops and he has to step back. My hand stings horribly and Dan’s face turns bright pink where i slapped him. I feel the anger leave my body, through my fingertips, through my heavy breathing.

“And you have done nothing about this?” I demand.

“Well they found out I wasn’t straight and wanted to send me away. What was I supposed to do?”

“Why are they doing this? How can homophobia still be so current? It’s the 21st century for fudges sake.

Dan shakes his head slowly but we hear guards running towards where we’re hiding. He puts his finger on my lips, a tear sliding down his cheek. His hands are vibrating like aspen leaves in the wind, the tear hits the ground and fades away resembling my hopes had dreams. He mouths something, something i don’t catch. I look at him confused, but he just shakes his head sadly. We sit in the staff only cleaning products room for a while. It stinks of bleach and sorrow. The blood stains on the ground and holes in the wall indicate, that this room isn’t only a place where they keep cleaning stuff. I can’t shake the feeling gross things have happened here. Dan notices my angst and eyes full of horror. He holds my hand, squeezing it when we hear steps again. 

His hand is warm and soft and holding it makes me remember the day we first kissed. 

We had kissed before, but those were just small pecks just to be laughed over and forgotten, but that kiss was full of passion and love and i would never forget that day.  
We were walking down the street our hands in our pockets. Dan’s black clothes and my dark hair made us look like two really emo guys enjoying the city. We had just moved to London together, the city where we would be happy together. We were ecstatic and we had just walked around the city laughing and occasionally nudging each other.  
When we got back to our apartment, Dan looked at me with such deepness in his eyes, my heart dropped. We both knew what was going to happen so we just let it happen.  
Dan stepped closer to me, brushing my fringe back with his fingers. 

“I’m so happy we’re finally going to live together,” Dan whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t help but laugh, pinching Dan’s cheeks. His eyes were on my lips, mine looking into his, trying to understand this boy.

Dan put his hands behind my back, pulling me closer and closer. Our lips meet and it was like fireworks. I slid my hands under his butt lifting him up to my hips. I stumbled back hitting a wall and we both laughed into each others mouths.

I let Dan go and he said:”Wow this was almost as bad as the notebook.”

I chuckled and we fell asleep on the couch next to each other, but we have never spoken of that night ever again.

 

 

Time seems to pass ever so slightly, it feels like we’ve been sitting here for days but the sun is just setting, indicating that the day has just ended. We both look up admiring the sunset, it’s the first time we’ve even seen the sun in months. 

"We need an escape plan," Dan whispers, still holding my hand.

"I say we take a chance and make a run for it."

Dan turns so he’s facing me, grabbing both my shoulders.

"Do you really think that’s a good idea, our best bet?"

"Dan, right now, what can we do?"

Dan breathes quietly. “Let’s do this.”

I boost Dan up to the window. We hear coughing coming from outside the door. I look at Dan, my eyes wide. Could it really be..

"Dan, Phil,"someone whispers.

"Pj?"i can’t contain my excitement. 

Pj quickly opens the door and slides in. He looks around and scrunches his nose, everything smells like bleach on here, i don’t blame him.

"How long have you been in here, I’ve been looking for you for forever."

"Well in this cabinet, almost 12 hours, but we’ve been held in captive for a few weeks,"i mumble.

Dan looks sad, I know he’s weak and can barely talk.

"Oh god, guys, I’ve been trying to get you out of this hellhole, but Chris has been one big headache. He’s finally taking the drugs they give him and getting his out of here is horrendously difficult, since he doesn’t recognize me anymore."

Pj doesn’t look different from Dan. He looks equally as sad, rubbing his thin and obviously malnourished hands together. I know he loves Chris, but he never admitted it. I guess right now it’s best that way, looking at me and Dan. My heart starts beating faster. Holy shit did I just admit to myself that I love Dan?  
"Are you listening, Phil? I’ve gotta get you out of here. Were you trying to get out of the window? I’m glad I stopped you, that area outside this window is worse than what they had going around the Wall of Berlin. Sand to slow you down, gunmen watching and many fences.”

I reach for Dan’s hand, pulling him away from the window of doom.

Pj looks at us with pain in his eyes: “We’re all going to be fine,”

''Did you know about the experiments, Peej?'' 

Pj looks at me, then looks at Dan, not knowing what to answer. He is seeking approval from Dan, I can't believe this.

''Jesus christ, I'm not actually a child. I'm older than both of you I'm so done with you and your whispering,'' I hiss.

Dan slides closer to me, trying to calm me down. Being angry all the time makes me feel like I have tantrums all the time. Which I do, I'm not going to lie, but I would be more calm and my nails wouldn't be bitten if someone told me the freaking truth once in a while.

''Tell me everything, tell me how is Chris, just tell me, dammit!''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in a good mood today. That's all you need to know. If there are any continuity errors I'm terribly sorry for that but I'm not going to fix them either. This whole fic is turning into an anti war propaganda or something.


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some forest brothers shit goes down

We make it to Pj's bunk in the woods, it seems like he has thought this through. We escaped by climbing under a bunch of corpses they were carrying out of the hospital. It was the worst thing I have ever been through. Pj assured that the bodies were the bodies of wounded soldiers who weren't as fortunate as we were. 

We had to drive under the bodies until we were all dropped off in the woods. While the guards and gravediggers weren't looking, we ran for it. Pj picked us up about an hour later and told us to get in the trunk of his car. Which was awkward for both me and Dan, since I was still pissed off at him. Tangled together we fell asleep.

We walk up to the little hill, deep in the woods. Pj bangs on the side of the hill and a small door, covered in leaves opens up. A young man, who can't be over 30 sticks his head out.

''What are you waiting for, rats are everywhere, get your little asses in, now!'' he commands in a Scottish accent.  
Dan slides his hand down my back and nudges me closer. I put my skinny wobbling legs in first and fall on the floor with a bang. I hear laughter, but I can't look around because the next moment Dan falls face first on top of me. The laughter grows in roars and I can hear a few children giggle. The angry young man at the door shushes and everything is silent.

''Are you gonna stay, Pj?'' he asks.

''No, I have to find Chris,'' he leans in and whispers something to the man. They both nod.

Pj waves at me and I can see a tear streaming down his face.

''I'll be back, I swear.''  
\---  
I get up and shake my legs. For a cave this place is well-lit and quite cozy. Even after the man closes the small opening and walks down a few steps of stairs to where Dan and I fell, the room doesn't seem like a small hut.

A bunch of people are gathered around a quite small table. They must be making plans for something. 

''Hello, boys, my name is Chad and this is our bunk. I will read you the rules of living here with us, in piece and harmony, which you WILL obey. Do you understand?'' the Scottish man says in a firm voice.

We nod eagerly.

''You will get one room, and you are very lucky, because most of us live in rooms of four or more. But since we will be expecting Pj and Chris, you will have the room to yourselves for now. Next, we find hygiene very important, but we only wash ourselves once or twice a week, it depends on the weather. You will not go into other peoples' rooms unless they invite you in. These are basically the rules of any summer camp, not too hard to follow. We have all escaped from the research facilities all over the UK. So that's what we have in common. Also, you will get dinner and breakfast. Lunch is all on you. We leave the bunk at approximately 10 am and you can get back in at 5pm. If you feel like someone out in the forest is following you, do not come back near the bunk. One life is worth less than 15. You will get a knife when you go outside, but here where we sleep and eat, weapons are not allowed. Also, if you find a dead animal, leave it where it is and return to the bunk, we have a meat expert here. He will come and evaluate the meat and if it's edible, it will be brought back here. Sharing is caring, we will not let each other starve here. The usual places to get food are old shops or small village stores. We might live in the forest but we live quite near the city. Try not to get killed. I will come with you when you first leave this base, so you know how to find your way back, understood?''

We both nod at the same time, eyes wide. Dan's hand slides down near mine and gives it an encouraging squeeze.

''Alright, lovebirds, I'll show you your room. Dinner is at 8 pm. We have clocks in every room.'' Chad leads us the way.

Our room isn't huge or small. It has four beds and a table. It's just at the end of a short corridor. To my surprise the walls are strong concrete. 

''This used to be an old army base, before all the bombings happened. Oh also, when we go to the cities, look like you're wounded so you'll fit in with the ''left behind or just returned from war'' image. And don't you dare BREAK into houses. People like us live there. I'm sorry I'm very stressed out, we haven't had new blood in over three months.'' Chad taps the wall anxiously.

''It's ok, Chad, thanks for having us here,'' Dan smiles.

Chad turns his back and closes the heavy metal door. I sit on a bed and Dan sits on the bed opposite of it. This is very, very awkward.  
''So are you going to tell me about the experiments?'' I ask with spite.

Dan sighs:'' It's literally in our genes. They are certain that not straight people have something in their genes that might help them win the war.''

''What the... That's so sick, Dan, that's so disgusting, it can't be true.''

''But it is, that's the worst part. It's literally some sort of Mengele bullshit. That's why when I found out I didn't do anything, I thought about you, I was afraid for your life, Phil.''  
''But you led those people to me, didn't you.''

''No, I didn't. They would've come anyway. I just wanted them to focus their anger on me, not you.''

''I never asked for you to protect me, Dan. I'm not a weak baby.''

''Face it, Phil. I would protect you even if you were a bulky strongest man of the world.''

''Why, I don't need you. I was fine without you,'' I yell. I regret those words immediately. I might be in the worst situations I have ever been in my life, but when I'm with Dan, they are better than the 3 years I have lived without him.

''Phil, are you really that blind. Have you not realized anything? I protect you because I have lived with you for over 6 years. I have grown up with you, I have grown with the support of you and I am and have been the whole time I have known you so madly in love with you. How is that something you don't know.''

We stare at each other for what seems to be hours.

''I think we should go to dinner,'' Dan says calm, but obviously embarrassed and hurt.

He walks out of the room, letting the heavy door fall back with a bang, crushing everything that I have ever known to be true.

\---

I walk to the dining part of the bunk and it's filled with people. I can count at least 15 people, but there are seats left over. Dan is sitting in a corner, behind an empty table. He seems to be having one of his crises again. I get two bowls and fill them with soup and sit next to him. 

''You should eat.''

''Thanks, but no thank you.'' 

''Daniel James Howell, I will do the airplane thing all mothers do to make you eat this soup,'' I try to cheer him up.

''Fine,'' he smiles. 

We eat our soup in silence. The other people are staring at us and I can't help but wonder if they heard our argument. I hope not.

Dan eats his soup and leaves. I quickly slurp my soup and run after him. The bunker is huge, it has several floors so if I want to talk to Dan, I'll have to catch up with him now.

''Dan, wait!''

I grab his hand. He pulls it away and seems scared for a moment.

''What do you want,'' he whispers.

''Why do you keep pushing me away if you care so much? Don't you dare say you care TOO much, that's a bad excuse.''

''Just, let it go, Phil.''

''But...''

''I think we should take some time off and just not talk, ok?'' Dan looks at me with such darkness in his eyes I swear my heart skips a beat.

He walks away and takes a quick turn, not looking back. I cuss my damn brain for not working as it should.

''I love you too, Dan,'' I whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaat, sorry for not posting for over a month. I just haven't felt like writing, but I am going to finish this fic, even if the ending won't make sense. I'm gonna finish this damn fic by the end of August. Thanks for reading. Sorry for the cliffhanger.  
> Also how do I use the bold text thingy, It only screws up my whole text. :( forever wondering how this website works.


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